Heh what a day.. Setback?

Gotta love the fact that the CNA's took the time to help me get dressed, get up outta bed and into my chair so that i could go down to the first floor ( after waiting by the dayroom for near an hour ) to only not even make it down the hallway to PT... yaay? I think not... Nam stopped Ward from taking me to PT and telling me "oh yah, well maybe next week" wtf you mean maybe next week?  Are you kidding me? O.o The doc ordered me back into PT and already ive missed one day. Im frikkin fumin mad... but wtf can i do? Was waiting for Alma to get outta a meeting =( she never came tho... So like fucking ugh... ::Sighs:: lets see whats gonna happen tomorrow i guess....

~B

Merry Christmas...

Welp here i am in this god forsaken place yet the fuck still... and yeah moms visit consisted of an hour, eh its okay i guess i dont want her wasting her time here anyway. Wita and Luis came too. ::Sighs:: i want to go home, i hate this fuckin place the food sucks, the care sucks the administration sucks.. the aides im stuck with atm ( 3-11, 11-7 'sometimes' ) ugh... just fucking ugh... Thoughts run through my head constantly, the only thing that keeps me going is him... I was born to love him and i guess i will die loving him... 

~side note... ho ho ho, merry mothers day (inside joke)

~B

Still no PT yaay?

The one thing that will get me out of this fuckin hell hole is physical therapy. I have been since still discharged from PT and they have no intention of reinstating it till i get to see the pysychiotrist? I know the spellings wrong but its some therapy doctor. Anyway.. the "Social worker" Letitia comes in and tells me on monday "Well we just wanted to let you know the doctors out of the country and you wont be seen, we dont know when hes comin back...." Are you fucking shitting me? Well i called mom filled her in and im still fit to be tied... sucks seriously. I dont know wtf to do anymore its just so easy to give up even though i dont want to. Eh... till some other shit happens.. Sucks not to eat too just fyi. I dont think ever in my life have i gone to bed hungry. Even when we didnt "have" so to speak. Screw this place and that busybody out in the hallway.

~B

Fuckin hate my life...

I fuckin hate my life, what have i done to anyone to deserve this shit? I look back and wonder what evil shit ive done to have this crap happen to me... i dont know i dont get it. I mean seriously, i am at the fuckin mercy of these ppl. Even now the CNA's get "annoyed" when i ring for one of them to come... Like wtf? I guess me being so nice to everyone has fuckin "spoiled" them... seriously. I wanna go home. I wanna get the fuck outta here, I hate it here and im fuckin miserable. The one light in my life has dimmed and theres not much left but dispair... I wanna go home. I just wish someone would take me the fuck home... Why do i have to suffer this shit? Why am I here? Why am i in this garbage.. I have gone over shit over and over in my mind, i havent ever lied to anyone, cheated, been mean, evil anything of that sort... And yet, here i am, miserable, and suffering. 

~B

Just a joke...

Yesterday that meeting was just a joke seriously. They have covered their asses and its my fault really for not ever wanting to cause trouble... heh. Go fig. I hate making waves and such, but now they are saying that i am "not cooperating" rofl is that something else or what? That i need to "Socialize", participate in bingo and such.. Like i want to fuckin interact with these nothin better to do then be in other ppls business ppl? rofl, please.. I got better things to do then have ppl nosing in my business. Hell i dont talk to anyone now and they are always talking shit about me.. so imagine if i was actually interacting with these fuckin ppl? No thanks. Ill pass. Seriously its incredible.. They are claming they have no fault in anything thats going on. That everything is "me" eh, i dunno wat to think anymore. I mean seriously im so tired these days, tired of fighting with them tired of living like this... Im at my wits end. i do NOT want another psych, i do NOT want to ahve to start over with yet the fuck another person and givng them my life story. I want however to be left the fuck alone to do what i want... IE Go to PT in the morning and stay in my room ( nothing new kinda what ive been doing all my frikkin life ). Eh thats it fer now. Well that i can think of. Thats a short synapsis of what happened at the meeting 

~B

Oh yaay no more pt?

Heh this has got to be the best news ever... No PT anymore, im finally fuckin getting on my feet and walking and they discharged me from PT. ::smirks:: Thanks Regina, So glad these ppl are 'taking care' of me. Well moms here just wanted to make a quick note of whats going on =P Till later!

~B

Heh, love this crap =)

Today apparently theres a christmas party ... yaay? my lunch tray consisted of this slop they call turkey, it was grey and disgusting looking. They didnt give me hot water (not that i need it) no creams, no sugars either. No crackers no cheese sandwiches... sooo now its 5 days no food and counting. =) I guess this is the best way to lose weight. heh. Idc anymore tbh.. im sick of all this shit and tired of fighting. Until later... oh... Apparently i have to attend a meeting on the 16th lol nice of them to let me know hu?


~B

Said it before...

Ive said it before and ill say it again. I am going to die in this god forsaken place.. Why am i being punished like this? I dont think im being unresonable.. seriously... I just want one fucking person that has had me before at one point in time or another in this fuckin horrific hell hole im in to tend my needs when i ring ( which is hardly ever ) not for the little things, but for the personal stuff, washing etc... This "journey" in my life has made me even more depressed then I have ever been... EVER. Contemplating suicide pales in comparison to what these fuckin ppl do to me. ( or dont do for that matter ) depending how you look at it. 

Jen just came in, told me they arent going to allow my mother to bring in food, i guess imma be starving from here on out. Know what? i dont even care lol aint that something? Im at the point where i see this as my very large coffin. This place is beyond horrible, Im not sure anymore if im thankful that i am coherent... Because maybe if i was like some of the other residents here i wouldnt feel as miserable as i do, because i wouldnt know whats going on yanno? Eh i guess its a toss up.. What kinda life is it even if you "dont" know whats going on...

My hearts breaking... On top of going through all this shit? I "need" Nick more and more each day, i want to talk to him about stuff but im afraid to.. I dont want to pressure.. Things have been great tbh... I wish he would just rescue me...

~B

Dec fourth, Mom....

Was here earlier with dad, heh.. He looks good, says hes doin good too im glad, he was sick there for a while. He helps mom out alot shed be lost without him... you know that love hate relationship lol they love to hate one another and fight about it all the time, funny to watch actually. Not much happened today, mom reminded me about the meeting im supposed to be going to on the sixteenth heh, funny they didnt tell me shit about it here... I get to hear from an outside source. Whatever, this place sucks on the whole. Till l8tr, BAI!

~B

How I cope.

I guess the best way I can say that I cope is with the hope in my heart that the day i "walk" out of here i'll be walking on my way into the arms of the family I love, along with the man I love. I live daily with the hope that he will come to his senses and realize that we werent a mistake... because if we were, then that means I am a mistake. Im miserable day in and day out. This place grating on my last nerve, the only thing that makes it tolerable is the CNA's, They are pretty okay for the most part, sept that chick in the frikkin afternoon oy fuckin vey... Ugh I just cant stomach her anymore. I look at the calendar ( much as I try not to these days ) and I just groan.. another month of her having me from 3-11. But whatever. Turmoil in my soul keeps me fixated on other things. Oh, on a good note, that crazy woman doesnt come to pshycho analize me anymore... or however its spelled lol. Thank god... ugh... 

~B