Ugh hate what they did to this blog, it used to be so awesome now its just a bunch of mess =P. Its the 27th and I miss Nick more then anything. Ive started writing him daily, once I finish the book ill be mailing it to him and then should be the time for this all to be over. I have very little time to get everything in order, I am going to sell all the stuff that I can so that I can get some cash together. The rest well, They will have to deal with it after im gone. I dont want to leave a mess if possible, but I am going to get rid of all the papers and shit that I can, and like i said sell off what I can. The kids can keep the games and such that they want. I was thinking of maybe paying my accts for a year so that the kids can strip them, Red too. Heh I dunno Im just so miserable without Nick. Does he even give a shit? Does he even think of me? I know hes not missing me like I am missing him.... Because if he was he would call or something. 

~B.

Alright I hate this new "set up" for my blog, sadly its annoying me. Ive been contemplating for days now about this post. Nick and I have finally parted ways after all these years. The man I adore more then my own life is gone from it. I am even more miserable then I was before, day in and day out I have just been thinking over how I am going to end this misery. Make everything better for myself, my kids and my mother.

I think my time on this earth has come to an end... I cant see another alternative to "fixing" this. I cant seem to get better, no matter what I do I just stay in this rut, along with the pain thats chronic, and is ALWAYS there. Now more then ever my heart is breaking, I cry myself to sleep every night, and I spend every day crying as well. I miss Nick, I love him.... But I couldnt sit by while he went on to "date" ppl. Hes mine... He made promises to me years ago, and I him. Hes broken those promises.. He doesnt want me anymore, why he wanted me in the first place is beyond me anyway.

Sad thing is? He was saying to me and i quote... "Im not doing anything wrong I dont have anyone to talk to ( mind you I am always there for him ), and I guess I really dont anymore, but happiness is overrated i guess" Then he went on to tell me "I guess I will just always be alone, and die alone" Little does he know thats the story of my life. I put my heart on my sleeve for him and he just broke it, along with his promises. He promised me he would always be there for me, that he would always be mine and me his.... Why are men so gd fickle? ....

12 years of my life loving my soulmate and even now I still just hope he comes to his senses. Maybe the God and Goddess will hear me... I love you Nick...

~B.

Six more days....

Six more days till I go home dont think it will be any better. Im pretty screwed up now as it is, cant stop crying dont wanna leave my room. Maybe being at home will be better, Ill be alone all the time, I wont have to look at myself or others. I dont know what my life will become, however I do know this, I dont think I can keep my promises to Nick. 

~B

I almost died...

A month and a half or so ago, maybe a bit more I almost died, go fig. and tonight i kinda wished they hadnt saved me. This misery burns deep in my heart and its getting no better. Now with the word from the man I adore that he no longer cares about me, or wants to be together, I just wish my misery would end... Why am I still here? Why did they save me ? For what? so I can continue down this god awful path into the void? Im lost, alone and miserable. I wish they had let me bleed to death that night. I know I passed out when I lost blood, I wouldnt have felt a thing. I am sorry to my family for feeling this way but I cant help it. I love you all as well but to live a life alone is just .... There are no words.

~B

Misery.

I believe wholeheartedly that you get what you give. We all have a destiny, oddly tho, why does it seem mines misery? No matter what I do, say or try to do, I always seem to get shit on, abused, molested, raped? ::sighs:: among other shit.. Ppl talk to me like im garbage, so maybe i am? yah yah ppl are going to say oh yer so dramatic. ( Drama queen ) but im not i mean look at my track record?

I was molested at a very young age, ( and it lasted years ) I was raped at the age of 13, The man I married? Well he cheated on me after we were married 6 months. Ive been physically abused by men, verbally abused by them as well, my mother lived through hell ( and i seem to be doing the same no matter how fucking hard i try and break the cycle. ) Ive been trapped in my body for years now, now im trapped in hospitals and rehabs.. im fuckin miserable day in and day out. And the one person that I love more then life itself? yah... he talks to me like im garbage too... I guess this is my fate.

~B.

Its fri? O.o and the second oy vey time goes by way too frkkin fast. I think I am going to be able to get my new pc this month, however I am gonna have to like not pay mom, or dad. I need to get this crap done anyway ugh, lol I fuckin hate my old pc now sadly. I used to love this thing. But the DCing all the times sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo aggrivating lol. =) Anyway um wasnt feelin too well today, no clue as to why. I'll be goin to PT on monday, did some excercises in bed today. Nothing much going on, btw, lol foods still ... ick. =)

~B

PT

Well was the first day in PT, was akward getting into that chair its so huge and high! lol my feet were swinging like Lilly Tomlin, heh. Anyway felt good to get outta the room omg the shoes hurt so bad >.< i wanted to kill someone lol. Moms changing them. She brought me another pair but they were snug like the black ones. Then there was another pair i get to try em tomorrow Sheesh i hope they dont hurt like the black ones lol The PT ppls are nice and such. I know Two of them Kathy <sp?> and Paul lol i cant remember the other guys names >.<. Anyway they gonna try again tomorrow to get me up to go early to PT ugh i hate mornings lol. And its 3 am now and im waiting on the aide to come wash me up before i go to bed so imma be hella tired in the morning.. Oh btw =P the food ? all I have to say is .... eww? LOL not surprising. Oh well lets see how tomorrow goes. Nini.


~B