Ugh hate what they did to this blog, it used to be so awesome now its just a bunch of mess =P. Its the 27th and I miss Nick more then anything. Ive started writing him daily, once I finish the book ill be mailing it to him and then should be the time for this all to be over. I have very little time to get everything in order, I am going to sell all the stuff that I can so that I can get some cash together. The rest well, They will have to deal with it after im gone. I dont want to leave a mess if possible, but I am going to get rid of all the papers and shit that I can, and like i said sell off what I can. The kids can keep the games and such that they want. I was thinking of maybe paying my accts for a year so that the kids can strip them, Red too. Heh I dunno Im just so miserable without Nick. Does he even give a shit? Does he even think of me? I know hes not missing me like I am missing him.... Because if he was he would call or something. 

~B.

Alright I hate this new "set up" for my blog, sadly its annoying me. Ive been contemplating for days now about this post. Nick and I have finally parted ways after all these years. The man I adore more then my own life is gone from it. I am even more miserable then I was before, day in and day out I have just been thinking over how I am going to end this misery. Make everything better for myself, my kids and my mother.

I think my time on this earth has come to an end... I cant see another alternative to "fixing" this. I cant seem to get better, no matter what I do I just stay in this rut, along with the pain thats chronic, and is ALWAYS there. Now more then ever my heart is breaking, I cry myself to sleep every night, and I spend every day crying as well. I miss Nick, I love him.... But I couldnt sit by while he went on to "date" ppl. Hes mine... He made promises to me years ago, and I him. Hes broken those promises.. He doesnt want me anymore, why he wanted me in the first place is beyond me anyway.

Sad thing is? He was saying to me and i quote... "Im not doing anything wrong I dont have anyone to talk to ( mind you I am always there for him ), and I guess I really dont anymore, but happiness is overrated i guess" Then he went on to tell me "I guess I will just always be alone, and die alone" Little does he know thats the story of my life. I put my heart on my sleeve for him and he just broke it, along with his promises. He promised me he would always be there for me, that he would always be mine and me his.... Why are men so gd fickle? ....

12 years of my life loving my soulmate and even now I still just hope he comes to his senses. Maybe the God and Goddess will hear me... I love you Nick...

~B.