Oy Vey... lol

Okay its been a while since ive posted not that i didnt want to, but eh... i start thinking and then stuff gets all muddled. Ive been contemplating what to write for the past few days. Things driving me crazy with finding a gd doctor, ffs... i spend the better of 5-6 hours a day on the damn phone and get nothing accomplished. Talk about frikkin frustrating? Oy... ::Sighs:: They now took away my nurse, Franchesca didnt call me and neither did they. I started worrying when she didnt show up on fri on time, it was 11 am and she hadnt come. But i called the office to try and find out whats going on, and got recordings ... yaay? ugh... No one called me back or anything. Oh yah, and I was talking to Island house docs? And apparently mom cant even frikkin pay for the initial doctor visit to get the evaluation.... rofl shoot me? I mean wtf, Seems that if i pay fer the visit, medicaid will take away that places license or some shit. I mean wtf? ::Sighs:: So what do i do now? i have no fuckin clue tbh... im waiting on winthrop sending me the papers i asked for so i can send them to the lawyer, but i havent heard anything. I called them as well, apparenly i need to send them my id, so imma fax that over on monday, get this shit going. I think im gonna call the lawyer monday and see whats going on, AND maybe call Help me Howard and see if i can get help with something i dont know. I dont know wth to do anymore im at brick wall. just oyyyy veyyy.


Same shit going on with you know who, this gd fence is killing my feet. <figuratively> Eh ill leave it at that for now i guess....

~Bianca.

Glad to be home... not.

On top of feeling shitty about having to depend on others all the fuckin time. Doesnt help when my mother comes into my room to SCREAM at the top of her lungs at me about shit that is not all that important, nor is it going to change. She pitched a fucking fit because I bought chinese food yesterday for lunch and ate "half" the order oh god the world is going to end... Im sick of having to ask the kids to make me stuff to eat. This was fast and not all that terrible, was only frikkin rice and chicken for fucks sake... Anyway, No sign of this letting up any time soon i was better off in the fuckin hell hole? Ugh... ::rolls her eyes:: I need to move and fast, i gotta get outta here before i slit my own throat, shes driving me fuckin crazy... And the kids as well its frikkin retarded... Harpy much? Its making us all nuts seriously. She spent the better of the morning today fighting with me mind ya i tuned her out most of the time, but it started around 5 am... yaay?

~B

Oh yaay a new reason for using this blog... heh.

Seems last night we did a raid and were doing the new content in game.. I was talking to Nick about what was going on and such and ppl got all sorts of butthurt.. He logged in to complain to them which Ive asked him repeatedly not to do, but stubborn thing that he is, he does what he wants. Anyway, I was just saying shit in passing to him and he said something to Woula and them lol now they are mad at me too, however.. I have proof of what I was saying. That I was top on the meters for most of the night.. Thanks to T that had the BH log, and I had the BoT logs... I sent EK 4 recounts of different fights, only one of which stupid ass Shleonger was above me on the meters. For the most part it was T ( cant stand him and his crazy numbers lol ), Me, then Von and Shleonger somewhere fourth and fifth... Von and I were bucking for second and third spots the whole night it would swap now and again. Was a great night imo. kinda pissed however that I didnt get the ember =( Shelonger got both ugh... i really hate that dood.... Anyway, ^.^ Heres the BH Meters Thanks T for being awesome and havin kept these meters =) the others I already sent to EK, they are quite similar.

~B

[17:53:56][W:From] [Tsevenz]: Skada: Damage for Occu'thar, 00:12:04 - 00:16:31:

[17:53:57][W:From] [Tsevenz]:  1. Tsevenz   5.58M (21382.3, 20.5%)

[17:53:57][W:From] [Tsevenz]:  2. Scruffy   5.36M (20386.2, 19.7%) <--- this was a pug warrior

[17:53:57][W:From] [Tsevenz]:  3. >Dolyttle<   4.07M (15285.8, 15.0%)

[17:53:57][W:From] [Tsevenz]:  4. Vonmeatstein   3.90M (14833.6, 14.4%)

[17:53:57][W:From] [Tsevenz]:  5. Shleonger   3.55M (13554.9, 13.1%)

Diary of a mad black woman..

If I'm away from you for more than an hour, I can't stop thinking about you. I carry you in my spirit. I pray for you more than I pray for myself.... And that... that... That smile. When you smile like that, my world... It's all right.

Quote from the movie, something that definately hits home. A bit too close to home. Ive been struggling these past few days with alot of crap swimming in my head. But of course "he" is in the thick of it. I heard Helen say these words to Orlando in the movie and it brought me to tears ( yet again ) because I can see myself saying the same words to him... Just jotting something down for the moment. I plan on posting more then I have been. I need some outlet, somewhere I can just ramble lol =P which im good at. heh. For now... I carry you in my spirit Baby.

~B 


She says to him ...

Helen, "I just want you, I just want you.... Ask me again, ask me again  I love you..."

Orlando, "How do you know?"

Helen, "I carry you in my spirit, I pray for you more then I pray for myself. And if your away for more then an hour I cant stop thinking about you... And your smile, when you smile... my world is alright... Ask me again... I love you... Ask me again..."


Orlando, "Will you marry me"


Helen, "Yes, yes yes...."

Conversations

Last night I spent talking with you know who, makes me sad, sad to know he thinks as he does. That we ( in a general sense ) are insignificant. I know we dont see eye to eye on things but hes so miserable at times. I guess I can understand it Im miserable myself plenty. Just ... i dont know i always see the glass as "half full" he sees it as "frikkin empty" lol. Hes exhausting at times, and i guess its my own fault for always reminding him hes wonderful, perfect etc... Its gone to his head >.< oy... but whatever. I love him with whole of heart. Tired of this fence he enjoys sitting on tbh... We need to either part ways or whatever I dont want it but i think its time, everyone keeps yellin at me to do something, to make him see and decide. ::Shrugs:: I dont know what I would do without him...

What do you do when you are torn in half? It would cataclysmically change my life, its been so long that hes been with me. I only wish I could be closer, he was saying that maybe if we hadnt been doing what were doing for these past years we wouldnt be where we are now. Shit is? I believe with whole of heart if we were together things would have been 1000000000000% better. Eh thats just me apparently, but thats okay.. lol my opinions the one that matters no? Oh well just tossin out my thoughts for the day.

~B

Just thinking

Its Sunday, im sitting here just thinking, watching tv and ... yah pondering over stuff. Patch adams is on, one of my favorite movies tbh... As I sit here wiping my tears, because its at the part where he goes to the funeral to finish the sonnet he had been reading her. I feel the need to post it up here so i wont forget it. Its something that touches me deeply. Something that "hits home" as it were. My "soul mate" is in this sonnet. How is it again that I can adore someone so far away? Heh, hell if i know, but its all good because i know what my heart feels. The man of my dreams is all around me. Thanks to the writers of Patch Adams that included this sonnet, and thanks to the author of the sonnet as well as it is very beautiful. 

Sonnet 17
by Pablo Neruda
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way
because I don't know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I nor you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep
it is your eyes that close.