Welp its over...

My time in wow is over i think.. heh I knew this was coming i could see it long ago. Woula in his "infinate" wisdom.... filled my spot with Sunday not that this shit suprises me at ALL, he was just biding his time to do this. Sad thing is i was 4 shards away from fucking getting my own. Welp they will go to Sunday now lucky her. ::shrugs:: i dunno wtf imma be doing now that i have no thing to fill my time this is just great, comes at a great time too. Nick on the outs... wow on the outs... maybe its time to start over. I dunno, whatever.

~B

Deamons within.

I have alot of shit going on inside my head these days. Theres only one thing imo that could calm these deamons in my head. However, he wants no part of me. Sadly a game i once enjoyed has become just god awful i guess. Woulas always a fuckin prick punishing me for the "sins of my father" is the term that keeps popping into my head.

He "hates" me because of EK going off on them a bunch of times, mind ya, these were times that i spoke to Nick and asked him specifically NOT to fuckin say anything to these ppl just for this reason alone. Last nights raid the prick wasnt there.. fuckin Shleonger. heh... Thankfully Eh the dood gets on my last nerve. Anyway my boots dropped, no one wanted them. I said yeah i need em, everyone told Woula to give em to me and of course since i woudnt roll he kept them. oh joy?

Apparently Star and Sunday may come back to raiding... This will definately be the end of my raiding days if they do. For that matter if i get replaced I will simply leave the game theres no where for me to go and no reason to continue playing. Even now its moreso so i can hang out with them and keep my fuckin mind off shit thats swimming in it. The deamons in my head are driving me nuts heh... So much shit going on with me these days, and lucky me I get to face it alone. No one gives a shit what I think or have to say its awesome =).

Im gonna end here for now since Cables being stupid and im doing this all offline so im really not sure how its gonna look when i paste it in the blog lol. Eh later....

~B.

Thoughts

Sitting thinking, much the same stuff as usual. I mean how much can change when my days are still a blurr, when they all just seem to be like the one before? I miss him, Im alone and it sucks. ::Sighs:: 18 days and counting. Will it ever get easier? Will this agony ever end? ... Im at the point of whatever, I dont even like doing my normal stuff anymore. I dont know where to focus my energies. Ive started sewing again, I think im going to start reading something to escape for a while. Eh... im boring =P live with it lol.

~B.

Glad to be home... not.

Tired of fighting tired of arguing tired of being sick, tired of being tired... see a theme? I need to move to get out of here and out of "her" hair... its annoying to both of us, and its affecting everything. Like i dont feel shitty enough as it is i gotta hear this crap at 4 am... whatever im done tired sick frustrated miserable etc. More tomorrow im tired and really dont feel like typing
 

Im sorry

Sorry that I never got to hold you in the circle of my arms,
Sorry that I never got to gaze within your eyes.
Im sorry that I never got to feel the brush of your lips on my eyelids for each tear I now shed.
Sorry that I will never know the warm touch of your fingers on my cheek.
Im sorry that I will never feel the strength in your arms holding me tight.
I am sorry that I will never again feel whole and complete.
The void within my heart growing day by day.
The darkness slowing consuming the light within my eyes.
My heart breaking into millions of shattered glass pieces.
For I trusted you to keep it safe and you failed me.
Betrayed me... Abandoned me.
I am miserable, alone, destitute, the love I had in my heart now replaced with despair.

~B

Sucks being alone.

Its been days now Ive sorta lost track of how many but nearing a week i guess. I havent spoken to him and he hasnt bothered to even try to talk to me. Shows me how much he valued me... it hurts, makes me feel like shit tbh... ::Sighs:: my eyes well up with tears and my heart breaks every time i think of it.....

Ask me again.. i hear her whispering those words to Orlando... I carry you in my spirit. I pray for you more then i pray for myself... I feel those words in my being... Sad... so so sad after 11+ years I mean absolutely nothing to the man i adore... go fig. Time heals all wounds they tell me, they lie... I know its recent this is only just happening now, but i know me. Nick is it, the one and only person I will ever again let into the deepest recesses of my heart. Sucks when ppl are so selfish, I see it time and time again.. Its killing me slowly. 

~Forever,

~B

Life just sucks

Its been days since ive heard from him... Sad to finally see that after all this time and as much as I love him im easily disposable.... With nothing more then a "bye" after 11 years i guess its over? My heart breaking daily and miserable on top of the shit im going through this isnt helping. Its been a month that I have been looking for a gd doctor to oversee me so that I can have the nurses come to the home and I cant even get that squared away. ::Sighs:: Im so overwhelmed you would think that he would help, make things a bit easier, but instead he takes his own selfish route.. Cuz hes angry he resorts to fuckin calling me retard and such. Im so sick of it. I guess ive held on all this time because I have hoped that he would change that my love would make him ... "not so angry" I guess not... Even in that ive failed. The man i adore doesnt even give a shit about me. Go fig.


~B

Eh late night

Its about 3 am, im sitting in a literati room with him playing scrabble its late were both tired. Same shit different day however, well tomorrows monday hopefully ill get some shit accomplished i swear i want to kill ppl when i have to deal with all them stupid "press 1" "press 2" etc omg lol wtb frikkin ppl picking up the phone so i dont have to spend 50 years trying to see if i can get some help? LOL. Anyway, im listening to Baby by Beiber. but other ppl are singing it, pretty awesome bunch too if ya ask me =)

Take a look =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUAPksxTDPQ

I love these guys they are pretty great, her too. Anyway gonna hit the bed soon. Nighters....

~B

Oy Vey... lol

Okay its been a while since ive posted not that i didnt want to, but eh... i start thinking and then stuff gets all muddled. Ive been contemplating what to write for the past few days. Things driving me crazy with finding a gd doctor, ffs... i spend the better of 5-6 hours a day on the damn phone and get nothing accomplished. Talk about frikkin frustrating? Oy... ::Sighs:: They now took away my nurse, Franchesca didnt call me and neither did they. I started worrying when she didnt show up on fri on time, it was 11 am and she hadnt come. But i called the office to try and find out whats going on, and got recordings ... yaay? ugh... No one called me back or anything. Oh yah, and I was talking to Island house docs? And apparently mom cant even frikkin pay for the initial doctor visit to get the evaluation.... rofl shoot me? I mean wtf, Seems that if i pay fer the visit, medicaid will take away that places license or some shit. I mean wtf? ::Sighs:: So what do i do now? i have no fuckin clue tbh... im waiting on winthrop sending me the papers i asked for so i can send them to the lawyer, but i havent heard anything. I called them as well, apparenly i need to send them my id, so imma fax that over on monday, get this shit going. I think im gonna call the lawyer monday and see whats going on, AND maybe call Help me Howard and see if i can get help with something i dont know. I dont know wth to do anymore im at brick wall. just oyyyy veyyy.


Same shit going on with you know who, this gd fence is killing my feet. <figuratively> Eh ill leave it at that for now i guess....

~Bianca.

Glad to be home... not.

On top of feeling shitty about having to depend on others all the fuckin time. Doesnt help when my mother comes into my room to SCREAM at the top of her lungs at me about shit that is not all that important, nor is it going to change. She pitched a fucking fit because I bought chinese food yesterday for lunch and ate "half" the order oh god the world is going to end... Im sick of having to ask the kids to make me stuff to eat. This was fast and not all that terrible, was only frikkin rice and chicken for fucks sake... Anyway, No sign of this letting up any time soon i was better off in the fuckin hell hole? Ugh... ::rolls her eyes:: I need to move and fast, i gotta get outta here before i slit my own throat, shes driving me fuckin crazy... And the kids as well its frikkin retarded... Harpy much? Its making us all nuts seriously. She spent the better of the morning today fighting with me mind ya i tuned her out most of the time, but it started around 5 am... yaay?

~B

Oh yaay a new reason for using this blog... heh.

Seems last night we did a raid and were doing the new content in game.. I was talking to Nick about what was going on and such and ppl got all sorts of butthurt.. He logged in to complain to them which Ive asked him repeatedly not to do, but stubborn thing that he is, he does what he wants. Anyway, I was just saying shit in passing to him and he said something to Woula and them lol now they are mad at me too, however.. I have proof of what I was saying. That I was top on the meters for most of the night.. Thanks to T that had the BH log, and I had the BoT logs... I sent EK 4 recounts of different fights, only one of which stupid ass Shleonger was above me on the meters. For the most part it was T ( cant stand him and his crazy numbers lol ), Me, then Von and Shleonger somewhere fourth and fifth... Von and I were bucking for second and third spots the whole night it would swap now and again. Was a great night imo. kinda pissed however that I didnt get the ember =( Shelonger got both ugh... i really hate that dood.... Anyway, ^.^ Heres the BH Meters Thanks T for being awesome and havin kept these meters =) the others I already sent to EK, they are quite similar.

~B

[17:53:56][W:From] [Tsevenz]: Skada: Damage for Occu'thar, 00:12:04 - 00:16:31:

[17:53:57][W:From] [Tsevenz]:  1. Tsevenz   5.58M (21382.3, 20.5%)

[17:53:57][W:From] [Tsevenz]:  2. Scruffy   5.36M (20386.2, 19.7%) <--- this was a pug warrior

[17:53:57][W:From] [Tsevenz]:  3. >Dolyttle<   4.07M (15285.8, 15.0%)

[17:53:57][W:From] [Tsevenz]:  4. Vonmeatstein   3.90M (14833.6, 14.4%)

[17:53:57][W:From] [Tsevenz]:  5. Shleonger   3.55M (13554.9, 13.1%)

Diary of a mad black woman..

If I'm away from you for more than an hour, I can't stop thinking about you. I carry you in my spirit. I pray for you more than I pray for myself.... And that... that... That smile. When you smile like that, my world... It's all right.

Quote from the movie, something that definately hits home. A bit too close to home. Ive been struggling these past few days with alot of crap swimming in my head. But of course "he" is in the thick of it. I heard Helen say these words to Orlando in the movie and it brought me to tears ( yet again ) because I can see myself saying the same words to him... Just jotting something down for the moment. I plan on posting more then I have been. I need some outlet, somewhere I can just ramble lol =P which im good at. heh. For now... I carry you in my spirit Baby.

~B 


She says to him ...

Helen, "I just want you, I just want you.... Ask me again, ask me again  I love you..."

Orlando, "How do you know?"

Helen, "I carry you in my spirit, I pray for you more then I pray for myself. And if your away for more then an hour I cant stop thinking about you... And your smile, when you smile... my world is alright... Ask me again... I love you... Ask me again..."


Orlando, "Will you marry me"


Helen, "Yes, yes yes...."

Conversations

Last night I spent talking with you know who, makes me sad, sad to know he thinks as he does. That we ( in a general sense ) are insignificant. I know we dont see eye to eye on things but hes so miserable at times. I guess I can understand it Im miserable myself plenty. Just ... i dont know i always see the glass as "half full" he sees it as "frikkin empty" lol. Hes exhausting at times, and i guess its my own fault for always reminding him hes wonderful, perfect etc... Its gone to his head >.< oy... but whatever. I love him with whole of heart. Tired of this fence he enjoys sitting on tbh... We need to either part ways or whatever I dont want it but i think its time, everyone keeps yellin at me to do something, to make him see and decide. ::Shrugs:: I dont know what I would do without him...

What do you do when you are torn in half? It would cataclysmically change my life, its been so long that hes been with me. I only wish I could be closer, he was saying that maybe if we hadnt been doing what were doing for these past years we wouldnt be where we are now. Shit is? I believe with whole of heart if we were together things would have been 1000000000000% better. Eh thats just me apparently, but thats okay.. lol my opinions the one that matters no? Oh well just tossin out my thoughts for the day.

~B

Just thinking

Its Sunday, im sitting here just thinking, watching tv and ... yah pondering over stuff. Patch adams is on, one of my favorite movies tbh... As I sit here wiping my tears, because its at the part where he goes to the funeral to finish the sonnet he had been reading her. I feel the need to post it up here so i wont forget it. Its something that touches me deeply. Something that "hits home" as it were. My "soul mate" is in this sonnet. How is it again that I can adore someone so far away? Heh, hell if i know, but its all good because i know what my heart feels. The man of my dreams is all around me. Thanks to the writers of Patch Adams that included this sonnet, and thanks to the author of the sonnet as well as it is very beautiful. 

Sonnet 17
by Pablo Neruda
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way
because I don't know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I nor you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep
it is your eyes that close.

Finally home

Being home again isnt as great as i thought it would be i guess. Sad thing is that I cant help but feel god awful about being such a burden to everyone. I try and do shit for myself but my frikkin foot is killing me 99% of the time. Even when im in bed it hurts... like wtf? ::Sighs:: this isnt easy, and it isnt easy on everyone else. I hate to have to keep asking for them to do shit for me. My kids? i want to just crawl in a hole and die cuz I depend on them so much. What am I going to do when Hector goes off to college? I dont want to go to "assisted" living, however... I have been thinking there has to be a better way. I will never go back to brookhaven id rather jump in front of a bus first.. But, I have been thinking maybe I can get a place in a handicapped community? Something like what Titi Carmen had. Where an aid can come when needed but im pretty much on my own... All i can think of is if its easier to get around the house maybe i could do more....

I am beyond frustrated I need to do something. Brook haven robbed me of my independence. 

~B

One week more

This is my last week here in hell, yanno i sit and think and feel bad for those that have to remain.. Its 740 pm on sunday, and my fuckin bells been on for @4ish hours... awesome hu? rofl, cool that i was chokin my brains out earlier cuz of that "frog" in my throat. I got a headache now, had the bell on to tell the nurse about the stuff that came off the tray... heh. So glad im not hungry, yet another couple of days that i havent gotten the correct shit on my tray... yes shit. Such is the food in this place. Soon as i get out of this fuckin god forsaken place im goin to the state, along with a lawyer.. This crap here needs to come to an end... oh well just a notation about the time on my bell so they cant say im lying. They already have as a matter of fact. The Nursing sup said "oh i was there and no bells were on"? mind ya, i dunno who this woman is and she was nasty as hell to me on the phone. Eh, idc anyway... =) 7 days and counting...

~B.

Signs of a soulmate?

How do you know when you've found your soulmate? Is the fact that the moment you think about them the phone rings and its them calling, a sign? How about no matter what is wrong they are the only one that can make you laugh or forget yer angry with a simple glance? Word? Okay... even just a touch of their hand... Is that a sign? How about when they spend hours and hours talking to you about nothing in particular and you never tire of one another... That a sign? Cuz if they are, then he is the one... When Im not with him, im lonely, even to the point of tears... When im pissed, he can say the stupidest shit and I cant help but laugh, all the anger washing away. And damned if he doesnt call at the exact moment i get back, or the same instant i am thinking about him for some reason or another... 

He is whats kept me going in this place, the sanity anyway. I swear i could have killed ppl at times with the frustrations and everything else thats going on here, but he made it alright. 

Its been a while but I dream of him all the time, they are so real vivid... hardly a substitution but dreams that i never want to wake from...

~B

Going home soon finally heh...

I mean its about damn time, took the elevators breakin down to make my mother see that this is the worst place on the planet and that its time for me to come home. Still walking with some difficulty, i do what i can tbh... Fuckin hurts to walk on that damn foot = /

Well, same shit different day not like stuff changes here, bells on for hours and i mean HOURS. The other night was on from 7ish? pm till 11... heh. Again the elevators arent working, and im petrified to even take them... uh.. nurses are slackin, they treat me "mediocre" if i ring the bell it "annoys" some of them and shit heh.. go fig, i never fucking bother and yet im a bother lol.

My plan is when i leave here imma call the gd state and report all the shit... and turn around and leave Debbie Flack a letter iwth my gripes i wont say anything now tho heh... would just cause more trouble...

~B

Oy frikkin vey..

Todays been a bitch seriously, all afternoon the light on and not a gd reply. 2 1/2 hours waiting for someone to answer the bell, and only person that came was the girl bringing the dinner tray. Soooo yah... ::Smirks:: like wtf? Then Tracy came and I told her i could wait a bit since she had other ppl, and now its 10 pm and the bells on AGAIN fucking for over an hourish? i guess im losing track, and shes not even bothering to answer it. Matter of fact she was outside my room i called her she said brt and took off. ugh.. i gotta get the fuck outta here seriously sick of this place and this bs... just a lil note to remind myself whats going on on this great frikkin sat night ::Rolls her eyes::

~B

This mornin..

I spent the morning under the covers snuggled down with my thoughts.. dreams... I cant .. ::Thinks of how to word this:: I cant tell you how long its been since ive dreamed of "him" But god it felt good... I woke up with tears slipping silently down my cheeks.... He saved me in the dream, stabbed someone in fact.. Someone was trying to hurt us ( long story ) and he saved me, then took me in his arms. Tilted my face up to his with the gentlest of touches... It wasnt like he was a faceless man it was him... I could feel his hand on my cheek, God i love him. He took me into his arms and held me close, among other things. I could smell him, i closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, i knwo i didnt want to wake up. Even now writing this the tears are sliding down my cheeks. Will he ever come to his fuckin senses? Heaven help me i hope he does, the ache in my heart remains even after all this time.

I sit thinking from time to time and I cant help but cry, to myself because whos gonna listen? Who can I talk to? no one really, not even him, not about this.. I love him desperately, with all my heart, he is and will always be my soulmate no matter what happens. Keeper of my heart, i hope he realizes just what he has. Night.

~B

Forgot on friday =(

I was going to put a >.< in the title lol but it wouldnt let me. Anyway... I meant to post this on friday and completely forgot... Well the past few months in the rehab from hell, the elevators havent been working... Around... October? The middle one stopped working, and @ Feb? or so the end one on the right stopped working... Well GUESS What happened on thurs.... Can ya guess?

okay okay... im sure ya guessed it. I went down to PT ... and yep, i got stuck downstairs. Can ya guess why?! lol Yep... The elevators ALL stopped working, i havnet ever seen the frikkin admins of this place panicing so badly. =) i found it quite amusing. I havent been downstairs since tho, but thats because im afraid ugh.. but ive been walking up here =). Monday PT starts again i wanted to give a few days to our fuckin pos elevators to be sure they werent gonna kill someone =P namely me lol. 

Anywho, Same shit different day, oh yah, Happy Mothers day to all the moms out there =). My favorite quote?

My identity rests firmly and happily on one fact: I am my mother's daughter. ~Spanglish.

Anyway Thats my two cents for now =) Gonna be goin home soon screw this place. Sadly i will miss the CNAs and such but god i hate this gd place =) LATER!!

Heh its been awhile

Nothing eventful ever happens, its always the same shit tbh... Crappy food, crappy care etc.. Today however was .... exceptionally eventful? lol, I went down at my usual time fer PT, and lo and behold, the LAST elevator stops working, so myself and a bunch of others are stuck downstairs with no way to get back to our rooms. I mean seriously, two fuckin elevators have been out for months and i mean ALOT of months, i think the mid one went around Octoberish? i want to say... not sure. And then the other around feb or so.. jan? Anyway they were  runnin around like chickens without heads lol was pretty funny to watch them panic. =). Dinner? yah submitting my ticket in the morning makes everythin better... not. Grilled cheese for dinner my ticket read in BIG ASS CAPS "NO TOMATOES" guess what they sent? LOL... I know i dont have to "say" what it was, anyway, i gave those to Smichaels, and she told Tina, to have em send up the sandwiches without tomatoes... lol and thye sent up two more grilled cheese... yep... With tomatoes =) yaay, so those went into the garbage lol. Sucks to not have eaten all day. oh well.

Till next time..

~B

My misery continues.

Ive been "thinking" about posting for days now, with all thats going on ive wanted to post. The two weeks i spent in winthrop i couldnt access the blog so i couldnt post when i was there. Im back in hell with yet another fucking condition added to my "Return home" i guess all the work ive been putting into PT and such is fucking for nothing. I give up im done, im miserable and im going to fucking stay in this shit hole. Its been months since weve had more then one working elevator. And now theres no hot water again, im back to eating dry cereal because i dont want anything else. Mom came tonight and we had yet another fucking war... im done, im not gonna bother trying to get better ... for what? Shell just tack on another fuckin condition to me coming home. Now i cant go home if i dont "Change the way i eat" if i dont start eating vegetables and fish i cant go back to the house. I dont know wtf im gonna do. 

Tbh, not a day goes by that i dont just think of ending my misery.. Only a few things keep me going, Nick being one of them. Red, John and a select few others that know whats in my heart help me cope. Oh yah another condition of me going home is "i have to see a psychiatrist" <sp?>  I have pills, squirreled away, hoping they will be enough to "do the job". I doubt it tho... Then theres other shit that runs through my head... I need to get the fuck outta here im losing my mind. I spend endless hours crying, i look around and i just want to die. I hate this place i hate all this shit... I cant deal with it anymore and now theres no point in killing myself and putting myself through the pain of standing on my foot. Why bother?

~B

Mid month..

Jeez where does the time go? I mean shit, its already almost april i need to get my shit together and get the hell outta this frikkin place. Heh, Same shit different day... Ppl callin in sick and shit. 2+hrs wait for the bells to be answered. Well least my pcs fixed thanks to John ( Aaronis John =P not Nac ) Anyway he and i goofed on the phone a while, while all this shit formatted. Wasnt too horrible tbh.. =) I am eternally grateful thats fer sure, least i didnt have to pay frikkin 130 bucks =). Oh well, its 3 am time fer bed.... ugh. Nighters 

~B

Yesterday.

Wrong dosage of meds, missed PT cuz the fuckin dizzy broad that is my CNA came super late... oy. uh... Making plans to go home fuck this place i cant deal anymore. Sadly im just ... done.

New month same ole shit...

Eh its a week into march and same shit different day. Sadly Smichaels is on vacation... =( makes me unhappy, but whatever i hope she enjoys her time off she deserves it. Hicks is still on the third floor and i still have that dizzy broad Pinnok. Eh... that in itself is a chore. Didnt go down to fuckin PT today cuz hell i waited over an hour for the damn elevator that never was empty i gave up. Tomorrow im gonna start going down in the morning screw this afternoon bs. I dont get it, in the morning its not even remotely close to being as horrible as it is in the afternoon. Well with Smichaels gone I have Clark and i swear to god, the woman gets on my nerves always giving me a fuckin hard time and shit... it gets taxing yanno? Whatever... just figured id jot down a few things to keep the chronological time line in place in my brain =P. Be well to cyberspace and whomever might be reading this...

~B

Leper (sp?) Colony lol.. oy

Day three of being covered in frikkin hives =( this sucks so bad i cant even begin to relay just how much. They are giving me "Claratin" its not helping i itch from head to toe =( even between em! lol ffs ugh someone rescue me?

Just frikkin depressed.

Lotta shit going on but what else is new. I feel so crappy as is par for the course these days. Miserable over Nick and that shows no sign of easing... Bored with the shit i normally enjoy... I just wanna go home. Two days the sheets didnt get changed, fuckin Pinnok. Seriously... sick of her too. I miss Ms Hicks along with a few others. They made this place bearable and now they are down on the third floor. I wanna go home i hate this fuckin place and everything in it... Im hating alot of shit these days. Oh well to bed i guess. Nothing even on TV. Fuck it ...

~B

Happy Valentines Day

Yet another valentines alone, without the person that holds the key to my heart.. I was born to love him, i can feel it in my every breath... He means the world to me and I havent ever felt this way about anyone. Looking over this "blog" i see my last post didnt post =( I must have closed ti before it saved. Till whenever.

~B

Yesterday.

Dr Khanina came and stood at the door asking if "everything" was okay.. heh typical, apparently shes not the doc on this floor anymore. Eh she came and left like a breeze, lol nothing new. However, yesterday was day four of my sheets not being changed. Looking at the sheet now theres 4 dots on it =) and its only.... tues? Well i had a new girl today but bitched about it, and Alma got Gaines to help get me up and ready fer uh PT =) soooo ill check in later if anything else comes up. Cya!

~B

Tired yet?

Is anyone even listening? I honestly dont expect anyone to be reading this... but some solace remains in just venting... Well this too is getting old.. Its not solving my problems its not even going to be a "reliable source" since they think i lie about shit.. Eh.. im tired... Tired of living day in and day out in this fucking hell hole.. I need to go home but i cant do that.. Im miserable, I cant tell you how many fuckin nights i cry myself to sleep.. But like ive said before. Out of sight out of mind ?Eh... Was talking to mom again today and she thinks by them holding me prisoner its gonna keep me alive? its not, im dying slowly.. i can feel it, im dying inside... Im sick all the time now i feel like constantly wanting to vomit... Im miserable i cant state that enough. I want to get the fuck outta here, i want to go fucking home. (And im not even wanted there) Okay so what now? I have no mother fucking clue... 

This all just proves to me im not needed... nor wanted tbh. The kids dont give a shit they dont miss me... Mom well shes still in her "out of sight out of mind state" Im miserable i want to end this pain, the fuckin suffering im going through and putting everyone else through. 

I cant even see anymore through the sheet of tears... Until whenever..

~B

Quick synapsis

Two days same sheets, no lunch, no breakfast, Pinnok sucks ... nothing new. Daily regimen <sp?> ugh i need to look these words up myself lol but whatever... the dot theory on my sheets continues. =)

Just fuckin fed up....

I know its been a while since ive posted but i mean i get tired... tired of saying the same shit over and over.. I guess it takes me getting pissed the fuck off for me to post. Today i havent been feeling well ( nothing new these days stomachs always hurting ) well Lunch came and went and i got nothing, its 3 pm and im still waiting.. Also, i rang about 1 pm for Pinnok to come help me clean up ( cuz i needed to rewash eh.. ) and she still hasnt even stuck her head in here at 3:17 pm. I know they are short today due to the weather but i mean shit wtf yanno? Ugh im so fucking fed up with everything here its just pushing me to my limits seriousy. I miss Steph =( No acupuncture today either, i guess she was unable to make it. I want Hicks back... 

~B

Since Thurs?

Not sure the last day that Robin worked.. (Aka Ms Williams) but the sheets on my bed havent been changed SINCE then.. I could swear it was thurs. God i hate having Pinnok.. Shes so fuckin lazy and sloppy :Sighs: theres not much i can do however, another 3 months i need to ride this shit out, hopefully this will be the last shift i will have to endure.... Its ... Sunday? yah, and she didnt even attempt to change them today either... This shits driving me nutty... i feel dirty my hairs fuckin filthy. But I cant put Hicks through any more work. 

~B

Betrayed..?

Its it wrong that i feel betrayed? Abandoned and forsaken? Eh... maybe it is, but its how i feel these days. Suddenly finding out that Hicks isnt my morning CNA Anymore just kinda left shit screwed up.. I dunno whats to come, but i guess well see...

Fkn fed up seriously...

Its almost 1pm, Granted i overslept no one woke me this morning and i had my headset on listening to music. Breakfast came and went ( they didnt bother to wake me or leave me anything from the tray ) Lunch now came and went... Again they didnt wake me or leave me anything from the tray. Lights been on for a good 45 min ... nothing no one answering the bells, I called the fuck downstairs to the guards station... and yep you guessed it. Nothing no one answers the page overhead the transfer of the call upstairs. I might as well be fucking ALONE in this god forsaken place. Welcome to my leper colony.

~B